Confessions
by The Viking Dreamer
Summary: While angels and demons battle, doubts and struggles surface within the minds of two brothers and the angel who reunited them. Three short "psychological portraits" of Dean, Sam, and Cas during Season Four.
1. Introduction: Trials and Tribulations

Right now I'm rewatching Season 4 of Supernatural. My perspective as I watch it again has changed quite a bit; I'm finding myself with more opportunities to appreciate the character development and inner conflict that occurred during this season. The first time around, all I could concentrate on was the thrill of the ride as the season built up to its conclusion.

So, to interpret my new insight into the characters, I've decided to compose a few paragraphs from the POVs of Dean, Sam, and Cas—sort of a "psychological portrait" of each of them, I guess.

Spoilers for the first four seasons of Supernatural.

 **Introduction**

 **In This World, Ye Shall Have Trials and Tribulations**

As the demon Lilith breaks the 666 Seals, intent on raising Lucifer, the forces of Heaven and Hell gather to do battle. In the midst of spiritual warfare, both angels and demons have fixed their attentions on two brothers, Sam and Dean Winchester. Neither one knows why, but both can sense that their intended paths lead in very different directions. One is hailed as the champion of angels; the other as the harbinger of evil incarnate. What Heaven and Hell don't realize, though, is that no amount of manipulation can break the human spirit. Love and the bonds of brotherhood cannot be torn apart, not even by the Devil himself.


	2. Dean: Brother's Keeper

Sammy, you may not realize it, but I've always been there for you. When that demon killed Mom and I carried you out of our house as it burst into flames, I was pretty young. But you know what? I've always remembered it. It's like it's—I don't know—burned into my memory. I still have nightmares about that night, ya know. But they're not about mom's death. They're about _you._ What would've happened if I'd dropped you? What if I hadn't been there to take care of my baby brother?

All my life, I've taken care of you. Since Dad was never around, I was the one who made your school lunches and cheered when you got an A and tucked you in at night. I don't really hold it against Dad for not being there for us—I kinda liked it bein' just you and me…just the two of us.

I love you, bro, and I've always looked out for you. I've always wanted what's best for you. I may not have shown it, but I was so proud when you told Dad you were goin' to college. It meant something to me—that you were strong enough and sure enough in yourself to go against Dad and do what you wanted to do. You were finally gonna get out of our screwed-up family, out of our suck-ass job, and live a life of your own.

…And yet, here you are again, Sammy. Much as I might've been proud of my college-boy brother, I'm glad you chose to come back. You're a Winchester, and you an' me belong together. You're stuck with me, I'm stuck with you—that's just the way it is.

I would do anything for you, ya know. Hell, I already have! I flung myself into the Pit to bring you back to life. Maybe that's stupid of me. Maybe I shoulda let you go. But you're my baby brother, and I would—and did—die for you. You gotta understand what that means, Sammy. I was trapped down there. I was never getting out. To have the angels haul my sorry ass out of hell—I never expected that. I was ready to face all of eternity down there. You get that, Sam? All for you. I love you so much that I was willing to stay in hell forever and ever, amen.

And now that I'm out, I feel like…like I let you down somehow. Yeah, I saved your life, but for what? Now these dick angels are ready to smite you if you so much as sneeze, and you've got yourself mixed up with that Ruby bitch. Sam, don't go where I can't follow. It's breakin' my heart to see what you're doin' to yourself. Please, you gotta understand that when I get mad at you over what you're doin', it's just because I love you so damn much. You gotta see that you're destroying yourself, man. And I can't just sit back and watch my baby brother turn into somethin' he's not.

I wish you could see…I wish you could know, somehow, that no matter what you do, I'm always here for you. You don't have to keep secrets from me, Sammy. No matter what, I'm still your brother—always will be.

And I will protect you.


	3. Sam: On Sinking Sands

Before I started hunting again, I knew who I was. I was Samuel Winchester, the honor student in a family that valued being able to shoot a bullseye over getting good grades. Samuel Winchester, Stanford student and future lawyer. Samuel Winchester, who left the family business and never looked back. Samuel Winchester, who was not and never was going to be a hunter. I knew who I was then, who I was going to be in the future, and who I certainly was never going to be ever again.

Man, I miss those days.

I don't know who I am anymore. Everything I thought I was I've…I've tossed out a damn window. College, my career, settling down, having a family…I threw that all away. And for what? I'm right back where I started, hunting with my big brother. This is the life I swore I'd never go back to. What the hell am I doing?

My life is falling apart around me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I could stop destroying everything, but I can't. I'm not strong enough. I have to be stronger. But I can't be unless I rely on what Ruby's taught me. How can I go up against demons and angels without packing a little supernatural power of my own?

Whenever Dean confronts me, I tell him I'll stop. I tell him I'll get better, that it won't happen again. I mean it, but I never follow through. How can I lie to my brother like that? The old Sam Winchester wouldn't lie like that. What have I become? What if drinking demon blood is doing more to me than Ruby told me about?

Sometimes when I look in the mirror now, I don't recognize myself. There's a look in my own eyes that scares me. I need to stop. I've _gotta_ stop. Before I crash and burn.

I'm not the only one who's changed, though. I thought…I thought when Dean came back, that it was a miracle. I thought we could pick up where we left off, and our lives would go back to normal—or as close to normal as life gets in our screwy family. But something's wrong with Dean. He's still the same Dean, but somehow…different. Every time he mention hell, he gets this look in eyes that's part fear and part anger. When he told me about what he did down there, he sounded like he hated himself. It kinda shook me up, I gotta admit. My big brother, my rock, the single unchanging point in my insane life, is slowly changing into a stranger. What happens if I wake up one day, and that's no longer Dean in there? If the brother I know turns into someone else? He says he'll always be there for me, but you can't always keep your promises. Sometimes bad stuff happens, and the person who made those promises isn't you anymore. You change, and your promises change with you.

But what's most troubling is the fact that Dean is far less changeable than I am. If he loses who he is, how much quicker will I?


	4. Castiel: Why Have You Forsaken Me?

When you're an angel, you don't have to worry about complications. Everything's black and white—there are no shades of gray to bother us. No emotions, no relationships, no ties to cloud our judgment. We are impassive guardians, able to deal Your justice without conflict.

Or so I thought.

Father, I thought I understood. I thought I was content with the life I was created for. For millennia, I have watched over the earth without doubts, without insecurity. Why now? What is so extraordinary about these two human brothers that they can shake my unshakeable faith?

I think that for the first time, my eyes have been opened. I'm seeing the world so differently—and it is frightening. I should not feel fear, but I do. I look at what those two brothers have—their love for each other, their trust in each other—and I wonder why I cannot have that. I thought I had it, but now I realize that I don't. We angels may call each other brothers and sisters, but we are no family. Why are we so cold? Why so unfeeling? Is that why humanity are Your favored children? Because they have warmth, and love, and true loyalty?

I want that. Yet I cannot have it without defying You, as Anna did. It seems cruel that we angels cannot achieve what You love most about humanity without falling from Your favor.

What if Anna, though she is fallen, is right? What if You are not the one leading us, and our lives are a lie? What then? What would I do? I have nothing else to turn to—no other purpose in life, no other ambitions besides the desire to serve You.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Please answer, so I can put these doubts to rest! They tear at me like thorns—no, like the claws of demons. Nothing is clear to me anymore. I cannot tell what is right and what is wrong….what is good and what is bad. What if the world is made up entirely of shades of gray, and we angels are blind to it? Perhaps we have convinced ourselves that we see in black and white so that we do not have to face the fact that we are blind. What if our inability to feel emotion has led us to condemn the innocent? For if we cannot understand those we judge, how are we to judge them fairly?

I thought I understood.

But I see now that I could not have been further from true understanding.


End file.
